For the Longest Time....

My brother David and his daughter Emma , summer 2013

For the longest time, I didn’t know if I would ever want to come back to writing this blog.  I had felt some inspiration the last time I posted, but then….

Life has happened and happened and happened…..

I can’t write a lot about it, because it is too painful, but my beloved brother David died from melanoma last June at 55 years old.  Horrible, devastating disease. 

David was a Golden Boy in our family.  Do you know what I mean?  Some families have them, and I was lucky.  I had him my whole life until June.  I had him my whole life longer than anyone else.  I have tried to tell myself that my loss wasn’t that…..important because it is worse for my mother.  Or it is worse for his wife and worse for his daughter.  And then I realize how ridiculous that line of thinking is, and scold myself for being petty.  And then I admit that I am trying to minimize my loss because to feel it all at once is too big and too painful.

I have spent so many weeks and so many weekends at my mother’s house, both before and after David died.  Mum & her husband and David & his family lived in the same tiny little town near the Maine-Canadian border.  David was very attentive to my mother, stopping in to make sure all was well.  Taking care of anything Jim couldn’t do.  Bringing sunshine and love and laughter.  There was plenty to do to help Mum & Jim and my sister-in-law get ready for the coming winter.

Then life continued……

Jim had for several years a condition called BMD (Bone Marrow Dysplasia), which often eventually degrades into a form of chronic leukemia.  He converted from BMD to leukemia a little over 2 years ago, had a round of chemotherapy, achieved remission, and had done reasonably well since then.  He was gradually getting older and more frail, but so gradually as to almost be imperceptible.  Then in late September, he became acutely ill, met criteria for additional chemotherapy, put it off and then died.  It was very sudden.  He was admitted to the hospital just not feeling well on a Saturday.  He got rehydrated and transfused and was resting comfortably by that evening, but in the wee hours of Sunday, he deteriorated rapidly and died.  It was four months to the day since David died.  We couldn’t believe it.  And in the months since then, it has been a journey of grieving, coping, and trying to orient toward healing and finding purpose.

That’s enough for today.  I have plans as to how I am moving forward. More next time.