Why is this necessary?

I admit that I am a bit counter-cultural in the following way:  I do not embrace the idea of boarding away for college for every person.  I love the idea, but in reality, well, not everyone is ready for the vast independence that campus life offers.  And not everyone finds the best peer group to rely on for support and counsel.  In my dream-life, college students would be in a place where they can test themselves and their world with significant safety nets.  I'm not sure those safety nets are always as effective as they could be.  About a half-century ago, colleges with a boarding student body, were charged with the responsibility of being in loco parentis, "in the place of a parent".  And I like to think that in many ways, the dorm parents, house mothers, etc., if they truly understood how to be most effective, became an older, wiser guide; slightly detached and overtly more objective than actual parents.   

Today, we know more about adolescent brains -- that abstract reasoning isn't fully formed and judgment hasn't matured (until early-mid-twenties).  And yet, we now view an 18-year-old as an adult.  "Coming of age" used to occur at 21.  That was the age for voting.  It was only lowered to 18 when  it was pointed out that we were drafting and sending 18-21 year olds off to fight wars and possibly be maimed or killed when they couldn't even vote on the people who made the decisions to fight a war. (26th Amendment, 1971)

When I went to college in 1980, the legal drinking age in Massachusetts was 18.  I was 17, but it wasn't an issue.  At all.  I went to the college town bars and was never carded.  Now the legal age is 21 in Mass, and in Maine, where I now live and have 2 college-age sons.  It's hard to gauge if procurement is as easy now as it was then.

This past weekend, a couple of Massachusetts kids came up to the nearby college (less than a mile from our house) to visit a friend.  After some partying, the 2 ran afoul of the campus police, and despite not being chased, they fled the campus and hit a telephone pole at 80mph (in a place where the speed limit transitions from 40 to 30 mph).  The passenger is dead, and the driver, who was only 20, when he recovers from his injuries, faces a handful of serious criminal charges, including manslaughter.

This story could take place anywhere among any group of young people.  But, I can't help but think that it's all about "likelihood"s.  As in "people who lead a sedentary life are more likely to be obese", or "children who read are more likely to become life-long learners".  I believe that young people who have mature adults actively involved in their lives are less likely to engage in high-risk behaviors.  Accidents can happen, but doesn't it make sense to minimize risk for the factors we can control?  Such a fine line we walk as parents...  giving them space and wanting to hover, just the right amount. 

 So, you can imagine the trepidation with which I drove away from our college freshman on Friday.  I have a good deal of confidence that we have raised him well, and covered him with prayer.  He is not an impulsive person, and has never given us reason to doubt his good choices.  But you know that anyone can become of a victim of one bad choice, whether one's own or someone else's.  So I guess you know what my Labor Day weekend was like.

 Other than maternal neurosis, everything was as it should be:  his dorm is an ivy-covered brick building, his dorm room looks like a dorm room, the R.A.'s seem like 2 very nice boys.  (Yes, I said boys, not men--sorry, but it's hard to imagine anyone I could have given birth to as being a "man" or a "woman".  I wonder just how long this mommy denial phase will last?)

 

This is called "The Ballroom" and is a sort of lounge/study on the first floor of the dorm.  He is housed here with other overflow freshman until rooms and room-mates become available when all the no-shows and enrollee's remorse cases are counted.  This building is scheduled for renovations into office space.

Friendly upperclassmen helping unloading and moving in.

 Welcome to Estabrooke.

 Necessities: long board and D-pole.

For now, he probably actually believes that home is where you hang your hat.

We Mums know better.

Ah, here we are...

Re-booting righted whatever was going wrong. So here are a few of the limited photos I took when Ian moved into his dorm at UMO. In the weeks before it was time to go, he worked a lot of hours, and when he wasn't working, he was playing golf or hanging out with friends. I would try to talk with him about shopping for his dorm room, or making lists of what to pack, and he would have none of it. We were able to fit everything he was taking into the back of the Explorer and we still had room for the 5 of us. His college is only 3 hours away, and so there isn't really the feeling of moving out of our home. It was really just taking the bare necessities, knowing full well he would come home very soon for Labor Day weekend, and here and there to go out with Sheldon on the lobster boat to bring in traps for the winter. And he could get things from home that he had found he was wanting.

It was very clear that he wanted no help from Mum to "decorate" his dorm room and was not open to my furnishing the place with any comforts. This was going to be his declaration of independence. We went up as a family, which was not what Ian had in mind. But I stood my ground for a couple of reasons. While by and large, this day was about him, in other ways it wasn't. This wasn't just Ian venturing forth to a new experience for him; this represented a transition for all of us. Also, Jeff and I both feel it is a valuable experience for our younger boys to get a glimpse into the new and exciting world of Going To College. I wanted to use Ian's day as an opportunity to demystify it for them. Being the firstborn, Ian didn't have that, and while he has always been intrepid about plunging into new things, he certainly did seem to harbor some apprehension about this new step.

We dumped everything in his room, and Ian barely tolerated my putting sheets on the bed, and TADA! the brand new quilt made by my Mum, Grammie H. (with some quilting help from Aunt Anne). She was inspired a quilt she saw for sale in the Orvis catalog.

If you know the one I mean, I'm sure you'll agree that this one is made even more attractive by the addition of the reds to the more subtle blues and greens. He's a big tall drink of water (as my great Uncle John once said of my 6'4"+ tall husband), and at about 6'3" only just fits on his bed. His room-mate is a friend from high school and is just about the same height. They make a handsome pair!

What you can see under the bed are the wheels of his long board (skate board). What you can't see is his humongous hockey bag with all the equipment. If you aren't up on these things, the University of Maine is big on hockey. Ian doesn't play on the team, but he does play recreationally, and if you ask me, he's really quite good. (Maybe because I'm his Mum?)

He really couldn't wait for us to leave, and was trying very hard to be patient. He expressed his anxieties by being antagonized by every breath his brother Evan (16yo) took. He was impatient with everything Evan did or said. I think this is because of all of us, he'll probably miss Evan the most. They do a lot together. Now Sean (13yo), on the other hand is probably the least distressed by Ian's absence. Now Evan will have more time (and hopefully more patience) for him. (Has anyone noticed that in naming our sons, we have named all of them forms of the name "John"? We didn't set out that way, and discovered it after we had named Evan, and an Irish friend declared that naturally, saving the best for last, we would certainly have another boy and name him Sean! Well, once that I learned that John means "gift from God", I couldn't very well not name my next sweet baby boy Sean, now could I?) I'll have to figure out how to let you see this picture enlarged by clicking on it. I don't know how yet. I'll just tell you generally what it says. This was a bulletin board in the hallway of Ian's freshman dorm. At the top, it says: "Laundry Tips & Tricks: Because Mom isn't Here Anymore....." It gave me a chuckle anyway. One of the tips is for putting your teddy bear in a pillowcase if a visitor to your rooms spills, er, something on it. Hmmm..... the valuable things you learn in college.